Harry Potter and the Stoned Philosopher
by Linden Lonsdale
Summary: Ok guys here is my first fanfic. All comments welcome.
1. Chapter 1

Harry Potter fanfictionChapter 1: Potions Class

It was early Monday morning when harry woke up. He savoured the precious few minutes he had before he would have to go down to his potions class. He had been having a peculiar dream. He couldn't remember what it was about but he had woken up with a warm, contented feeling and a massive erection. He got out of bed yawned, stretched, and put on his dressing gown.

"Sweet dreams?" Ron asked, an unbearably smug grin playing across his lips. Harry ignored him and shuffled off to the bathroom for a wank. One minute and forty-three seconds later (according to Ron's stopwatch) Harry returned. Ron said nothing.

They got dressed and went down to breakfast together where they met Hermione, wearing skin tight black PVC trousers, a push-up bra, and an exceedingly low cut top.

"Hello boys" she said playfully. (A.N. Observers among you will notice my slight divergence from the norm for my own entertainment.) Harry walked over and sat down on the chair next to her.

"I kept it warm for you" she said teasingly.

"Thanks" said Harry "Is there any bacon?"

Half an hour later they arrived at potions and sat down in the cold dungeon. Once everyone had settled. Snape swept in, his jet black robes billowing out behind him, walked straight to the front of the class without making eye contact with any of them, and stood, silhouetted eerily, against the flickering light produced by the flame beneath his cauldron.

"Bloody drama queen" muttered Ron. Snape called for quiet, which was quite unnecessary, as, aside from Ron, the class had fallen silent the moment he entered the room. Harry pointed this out and got a week's worth of detention.

"Today" said Snape "We will be mixing a keep-it-up potion. I trust none of you lack the subtlety to work out what this does". Neville gingerly raised his hand. Snape rolled his eyes and continued. "Instructions are on the board, you have one hour". Once their hour was up, Harry had produced a thick black substance, Ron had given up and crushed a viagra pill into a cauldron of pumpkin juice and Neville was curled up in the foetal position rocking backwards and forwards and mumbling to himself in between cathartic sobs. Only Hermione (as usual) had succeeded in producing the shimmering clear green liquid they were aiming for. Snape wandered among them sneering into the cauldrons of the Gryffindor students and casually ignoring those from Slytherin. Once he arrived at Nevilles cauldron he looked inside then bent over and sniffed. Then to the class' surprise he conjured a mug out of thin air, filled it with Neville's keep-it-up potion and took a large mouthful. Ron watched Snape's crotch expectantly.

"I believe congratulations are in order Longbottom". Neville looked up. Crabbe and Goyle sniggered.

"he said bottom" whispered Goyle.

"Once again your ignorance and ineptitude has not ceased to amaze. You have failed in making a keep-it-up potion and instead have made hot chocolate". Eventually he arrived at Hermione's cauldron and peered down his hooked nose at the contents. He conjured a spoon and tasted it. Hermione rearranged her blouse so that the rim of her lace, bra was just visible over the top.

"How's she supposed to know if it's her potion that's doing it?" asked Ron. Harry elbowed him in the ribs. Snape seemed to have reached a verdict. The class waited expectantly.

"Worthless" said Snape "Put it on my desk and I'll dispose of it later"

"Oh I can vanish it now if you…" piped up Hermione drawing out her wand.

"Put it on my desk and I'll dispose of it later" snapped Snape. Hermione did as she was told…

Hermione _always_ did as she was told.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2: Lunchtime

They left the class and proceeded to the library where they intended to look busy for the next hour or so until lunch. They arrived at the library and got out their books. Hermione immediately got to work on a potions essay.

"Hermione what are you doing?" asked Harry "Snape didn't give us an essay"

"He did" replied Hermione. "It's just that the Author forgot to mention it."

"What a wanker" said Ron "I could have got in real trouble for that. Good thing you're on the ball Hermione, this writer's useless"

"Yeah" said Harry "What kind of a loser spends his free time writing Harry Potter fanfiction anyway. This guy seriously needs to get laid." Harry suddenly got a tremendous headache and had to shut up and stop being such a nob.

"Ow. I was only joking" said Harry

"Er, who are you talking to?" asked Ron

"The Author" replied Harry

"Dude, you can't talk to the author" said Ron

"But he's useless" said Harry

"I know that but talking to the author ruins the whole illusion of"

"Shhh" hissed Hermione "Madam Prince is coming"  
"It's Pince" whispered Ron

"I know but the author spelt it wrong" said Hermione

"Oh for fuck sake" began Harry but promptly got another tremendous headache. "Alright I get the point" he said.

Once they'd done their essays they wandered upstairs to the main hall for lunch, sat down at the Gryffindor table and helped themselves to beef in ale pie. Not long after, Fred and George came and sat with them.

"Hey guys" said Fred "Did Snape seem to be acting weird to you today?"

"Weirder than usual you mean?" asked Ron "No, why?"

"Well throughout the entire lesson he wouldn't stand up once. He didn't even walk round to check our potions, he just gave us A's" said George

"Well he was probably embarrassed about the eight inch bulge sticking out of his robe" said Hermione

"Snape" said Fred

"Embarrassed" said George

"bulge?" said Fred

"8 inches?" said Ron

"Oh haven't you seen what Hermione can do?" asked Harry

"Not now Harry" sighed Hermione

"Oh go on it'll be a laugh" said Harry

"Oh fine, let's just do it" said Hermione, giving up.

"Er, what exactly are you going to be doing?" asked George curiously

"Watch and learn" said Harry "Ready Hermione?"

"Ready" Said Hermione

"Ok, Snape"

"8 inches"

"Malfoy"

"6 and a half inches"

"Dean Thomas"

"5 inches"

"Ron"

"4 inches" (Ron blushed and mumbled something about medication)

"Cedric Diggory"

"12 inches"

"Neville"

"2 and a half inches" (Neville sitting two places away burst into tears and ran from the main hall)

"So have you actually slept with every male student and teacher in this school?" asked Ron.

"Pretty much" said Hermione calmly. Fred and George looked at each other and had a whispered conversation.

"So, with you, did she?"

"Yep"

"what with a?"

"Yeah"

"And didn't the hooks get stuck in your?"

"No"

"Awesome"

"She's good" they said in unison.

"It's not just the males" said Hermione defensively. "I've slept with some of the women too"

"Such as?" said Ron enquiringly

"Cho" said Hermione (Harry passed out)

"Anyway" interjected Fred. "Fascinating as this is, George and I have some business to attend to in the forbidden corridor on the third floor. We're having a small but hopefully profitable business meeting with our dear friend Lee Jordan"

"He reckons he can sell us some weed for a fiver" Said George. They departed and went off to the third floor.

Ron and Hermione (Harry was still unconscious) turned back to the table and carried on eating their steak and kidney pie.  
"Wasn't this beef in ale pie at the beginning of the chapter?" asked Ron

"Oh don't start that again" said Hermione. They finished their pie, woke harry up and went to transfiguration.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

They arrived at transfiguration ten minutes early so they played strip poker (Hermione lost, obviously) until Professor Mcgonagall arrived.

"Go in, sit down and get your books out. Turn to page 83" said professor Mcgonagall sharply.

"Er Miss can I put my clothes back on first?" asked Hermione.

"I don't have time for your silly games Miss Granger, you can get dressed in your own time, NOT during my classes." Hermione quickly stuffed her clothes into her bag, walked into the classroom and sat down. (A.N. What? It could happen).

Transfiguration was very difficult. They were supposed to be turning a bowl of porridge into a roast dinner. Within ten minutes however, despite the disadvantage of total nudity, Hermione's bowl of porridge was gone and in it's place stood a small roast duck with peas, potatoes and gravy.

"That's not the only thing she can do in the kitchen, take it from me" whispered Ron. Hermione overheard him however and gave an audible cough that sounded suspiciously like "rolling pin" and Ron had to excuse himself and run to the lavatory. He returned five minutes later. Although he was aware that it wasn't exactly the lesson objective Harry was trying, with some success, to roast his porridge by firing sparks out of his wand. Neville, having mastered the "duck" part of the spell but not the "roasted" part, was being chased around the classroom by a flock of his previous failed attempts. Professor Mcgonagall made numerous valiant attempts at calling the class to order but the class only seemed to be 'interested' (as far as you can call things that are trying to peck your face off interesting) in the ducks. And the ducks were intent on creating chaos. One duck had it's beak in Harry's porridge, another had flown off with Hermione's bag and the rest had arranged their moulted feathers into the shape of a swastika and were trying to round the class up and herd them towards the showers. Eventually Professor Mcgonagall conceded defeat and dismissed the class. Hermione grabbed two ducks and held them firmly in place and she, Harry and Ron went up to the Gryffindor common room.

They arrived at the fat lady's portrait.  
"Hey fat lady" said Ron.

"Excuse me?" she said loftily "I have a name you know"

"Do you?" said Harry

"Er, no, now that you come to mention it, no I don't. But I've been on Atkin's for four years now and my therapist says that only ever being referred to as the 'fat lady' could be periodically damaging my self esteem, which forces me into a mental and emotional downward spiral, causing me to comfort eat".

"Well what would you like to be called?" asked Hermione kindly

She looked at each of them and then said with a shy smile, "Princess Imelda Tiger Lilly"

"No offence" said Ron "but that's really not going to happen"  
"And why not, prey?" said the fat lady coldly.

"Because you're a fat lady so we're calling you fat lady ok? Simple"

"I may be somewhat bountiful but I don't believe it should define me. I don't call you lanky ginger twatface do I?"

"Look, we're not calling you Princess Imelda Tiger Lilly and that's that" said Ron

"Hmph" said the fat lady

"Look would you just let us in" said Ron "chronosynclastic infundibulum"

"Password's changed" she said huffily

"No it hasn't you're just being difficult"

"Actually it has, so there"

"Hey guys" said Neville coming up behind them,

"Hey Neville" said Ron "any idea what the new password is?". Neville told them the new password. Ron turned to the fat lady.

"I hate you" said Ron.

"What's my name?" she said.

Ron shot her a look of pure venom. "Princess Imelda Tiger Lilly" he said disdainfully. If it was possible to swing forwards to reveal a small hole in the wall in a smug tone of voice, the fat lady managed it. They climbed in to the Gryffindor common room (all eyes were on Hermione)

"You know Hermione" said Harry "I think this authors got a bit of a thing for you."

"Oh really" said Hermione holding her ducks with as much dignity as possible. "What could possibly give you that idea?" she said, every word dripping with disdain and sarcasm. "If you don't mind I'm going to bed". Hermione went to bed and Harry and Ron played a quick game of keep away with a two-thousand-word essay one of the first years had just written. Eventually they got bored, chucked the essay into the fire and went to bed.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

Harry was rudely awoken the next morning by peeves sitting on his face and masturbating furiously.

"Peeves get off that's disgusting" said Harry, sitting up too fast and bumping his head on the head of his four poster. " Look you've got ectoplasm all over my bedclothes"

"Harry Potter bumped his head

Cause Peevesy jizzed on Harry's bed" sang Peeves as he bounced out of the room, cackling.

Harry had to be up in fifteen minutes anyway because he had Quidditch practise before breakfast. So he got up and put his jeans and a T-shirt on (he would change into his quidditch robes in the changing room so that he could watch Alicia and Katie getting undressed (Angelina's ugly)). Ron didn't have to be up for another three hours but Harry woke him up anyway just to be annoying.

"Wet willy" he cried startling Ron into consciousness.

"Harry, how many times do I have to tell you?" said Ron exasperatedly "a wet willy is done with your finger"

"Whatever" said Harry pulling his trousers back up "off to quidditch practise, see you later". Harry picked up his broom and left.

Harry wandered amiably across the rippling grass, enjoying the gentle sunshine as it danced on the roof of the forbidden forest where several birds were swooping in and out of the branches. A light breeze toyed with his hair as he watched a pair of squirrels chasing each other up and down a nearby tree and the clouds drifted carelessly by, waving their wispy good mornings to all who glanced their way"

"WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU WAITING FOR POTTER" bellowed wood. "YOU'RE HERE TO PLAY QUIDDITCH, NOT PERVE OVER A FUCKING SQUIRREL WHO'S TRYING TO GET LAID".

"Sorry Oliver" said Harry as he hurried along into the changing rooms.

"Right team" said Oliver "The author's just spent an entire paragraph describing these weather conditions, so let's make the most of them. I want to see you changed and on the pitch in five minutes". Fifteen minutes later the team wandered out on to the pitch to find wood, waiting expectantly by the crate of balls.

"Ok guys, mount up" said Wood "Fred, George, stop giggling, I meant your brooms"

"Can't we talk tactics for a bit first?" said Angelina "I had a long day yesterday and I need a brake before I do any exercise"

"Exercise? You want exercise how about you get off and let the broomstick ride you" said Wood.

"Someone should." mumbled Fred, Wood ignored him. Quidditch practise was going fairly well until George blocked a bludger which was going for Katie Bell and walloped it straight into Angelina's face.

"What the hell are you playing at George?" bellowed wood "Do that during the match and I'll be the laughing stock of the school."

"Why would you be the laughing stock?" asked Fred "It's my cock-up"

"It may be your cock up" said Wood "but I'm the captain so it's my arse on the line. Am I getting through to you Weasley? Your cock-up, my arse" Fred raised an eyebrow.

"Oh shut up" said Wood. Half an hour later they headed back to the castle for breakfast. Harry sat down to find Ron on his laptop.

"Hey, I thought Hermione said that electrical equipment didn't work round Hogwarts because of all the magical interference" said Harry

"Yeah but Hermione's not here" said Ron

"Hang on" said Harry, "that doesn't make any"

"Shit she's coming" said Ron folding down his laptop and shoving it into his bag "MORNING" he said a little too enthusiastically.

"Ron why are you shouting?" asked Hermione.

"I DON'T KNOW" shouted Ron "WHAT'S FOR BREAKFAST?".

"Er… I don't know, like, breakfast stuff"

"COOL" said Ron as he poured himself a glass of scrambled egg and started spreading porridge over his toast. "I'LL BE IN THE LIBRARY IF YOU NEED ME." He got up, picked up his bag, and ran off in the wrong direction.

"What was all that about?" asked Hermione. Harry shrugged

"Going to the feast tonight?"

"Of course" said Hermione. They finished their breakfast and went down to see Hagrid.


	5. Chapter 5

When they got to Hagrid's hut, Harry reached up, knocked on the door and heard padded footsteps heading towards him very fast. Harry stood back so as not to receive a face full of over enthusiastic boarhound.

"Alright 'arry" said an unmistakable voice to his left. Harry turned and received a face full of over enthusiastic boarhound.

"Don' worry he won' hurt ye" said Hagrid cheerfully

"Really, how wonderful" said Harry as he tested his limbs for motor function and tentatively counted his testicles.

"Yeah, he's just excited about his new friend". Harry and Hermione looked at each other nervously. If Hagrid had bought fang a new friend, chances were it would be larger and have considerably more teeth than fang, and would have already got to know Hagrid as 'Mummy'.

"Yeah, you remember Fluffy don't ye?".

"Oh Hagrid you didn't" said Hermione desperately

"Well Dumbledore figured he's done his job now. No sense keepin' 'im locked up in that castle. Best let him out where he can get plenty o' fresh air an' exercise"

"Hagrid I really don't think" began Hermione but stopped abruptly as the ground began to shake.

"Here he comes now" said Hagrid "I reckon he might remember ye. Don' worry I've got 'im well trained." Harry looked on in horror as the gigantic three headed dog that had once tried to rip him limb from limb came bounding towards them, two of it's heads barking wildly and a third carrying an entire tree in it's mouth.

"Awww bless him look, he wants to play fetch" Said Hagrid lovingly. "Come on girl"

"Girl?" said Harry "I thought you said it was a he"

"He is, partly" said Hagrid

"Then why did you call him a…?"

"Heads ain't the only thing he's got three of" said Hagrid shortly "Anyways, d'you two want to come in for a cup of tea an' some biscuits?" They went inside Hagrid's hut and Hagrid put the kettle on and offered them a tin of biscuits. Harry and Hermione had a quick game of rock paper scissors under the table to decide who would try Hagrid's biscuits. Harry lost and gingerly took a nibble of one of the biscuits and forced himself to swallow. He looked over at Hermione and shook his head slightly then forced himself for courtesy's sake to finish the biscuit.

"Yum" lied Harry reaching for a second, because as horrible as they were he didn't want to hurt Hagrid's feelings. Hagrid and Hermione chatted away to each other while Harry finished off his second biscuit and took a third, because after all, you would eat two biscuits just to be polite. He finished his third biscuit and thought he should probably eat a fourth just to make sure Hagrid wasn't upset.

"You're liking the biscuits then Harry?" asked Hagrid.

"I don't know" said Harry, reaching for a fifth. "They're not the sort of thing you can have just one of are they?"

"Yeah, that'll be the heroin" said Hagrid. "Makes them kind of moreish"

"Ah that'll be it then." said Harry, whilst munching on his sixth biscuit "Hey." Hermione snatched the tin off him.

"You put Heroin in these?" asked Hermione

"and a bit of ecstasy" said Hagrid

"We'd better get going." said Hermione "Don't want to be late for the feast and all that"  
"Right, yeah, course" said Hagrid. Harry and Hermione got up and headed back up towards the castle.

"Is it cold?" asked Harry.

"No" said Hermione sternly

"I'm really looking forward to this feast" said Harry "I mean I know they're always fun and everything, I'm just really really happy about this one" Hermione ignored him.

"Hermione?" said harry cautiously. "I love you. I don't mean in like a dirty way or anything, I just mean as a friend. I just really really love you right now".

"that's nice" said Hermione

"Hermione" said Harry tentatively

"Yes?" said Hermione exasperatedly.

"I think we should have a cuddle. I mean I know we've hugged before and everything I just think right now we should have like a really nice cuddle."

"Harry" said Hermione "Shut up."


	6. Chapter 6

Harry and Hermione met up with Ron on the way back to Gryffindor tower.

"Hey Hermione" said Harry "I've been meaning to ask you, you haven't mentioned the Society for the Protection of Elfish Welfare in ages".

"Oh it's not called that any more" said Hermione "I changed the name because certain people kept calling it spew. It's now the Society for the Promotion of Under-represented Minorities "

"Right" said Ron "And you think SPUM has more ring to it?"

"I'll think of a new name" said Hermione "What about the Society for the Promotion of Elf Rights Mandates?"

"No" said Harry

"Society of House-elves And Gnomes?"

"No"

"Frontal Liberation And Nurturing of Gnomes and Elves?"

"No". Hermione gave up.

"Have you actually managed to get anyone else apart from me and Harry to join?" asked Ron

"Yep" said Hermione happily. "I now have two hundred and forty six members"

"WHAT?" said Ron.

"Yeah, you get a free lap dance when you join now"

"Can I join?" asked Ron

"You're already a member" said Hermione.

"Can I join again?" asked Ron

"No" said Hermione. Ron stomped off to the common room.

"So have you actually managed to do anything beneficial with your group, whatever it's called?" asked Harry

"No" sighed Hermione "I don't know why but guys are dead keen to join and they seem to really care about elf rights but when it comes down to actually doing stuff their heart's just not in it"

"I wonder why" said Harry

"It's like they only join for the lap dance" said Hermione

"Surely not" said Harry. "No-one would do that"

"Hmm, you're right" said Hermione. "Hey I've got it. We'll call it the Enterprise for Jurisdiction Against Cruelty and Unnecessary Labour for All Types of Elves." They thought about it for a few moments before deciding against it. As they were talking their feet carried them to the entrance to Gryffindor tower. They entered the common room and went to their separate dormitories to get changed for the feast.

When they came back down Hermione was wearing black spandex with slits down the back and sides and a zip on the front which would only go high enough to just cover her nipples, and would ride down as she walked. She also wore a skirt that allowed you to just see the bottom of her bum and was tight enough to make it obvious to any observer that she wasn't wearing any underwear. Harry and Ron wore other stuff. They left the common room and made their way down towards the main hall for the feast.

"This day's gone really quickly" said Ron. "We were only just finishing breakfast a couple of chapters ago."

"Artistic license" said Harry

"What does that even mean?" asked Ron

"Look just drop it Ron" said Harry

"But this authors just made half my day disappear." Complained Ron "I had plans for today, I was going to go and feed the giant squid and do my transfiguration homework"

"Ron trust me you don't want to go there"

"But it's not fair. He thinks he can do whatever he wants just because he's writing the story. He's such an insensitive little cu… OW my head"

"Told you" said Harry. Harry, having learnt his lesson was then allowed to feel one of Hermione's boobs as a treat.

"Wow thanks" said Harry reaching forward.

"Excuse me?" said Hermione, pushing Harry's hand away "My body is not a reward centre to be offered around like a tin of biscuits whenever you need to give one of the other characters a tre… Ow."

"Pervert" muttered Hermione unzipping her top.


	7. Chapter 7

Five minutes later they arrived at the feast. There was the usual spread of roast duck, chicken, lamb, pork, venison and cat, along with the usual piles of potatoes that had been boiled, mashed, roasted, sautéed and boiled (couldn't think of another type of potato). The room was already fairly crowded but they managed to find three seats together and waited with the rest of the school for the headmaster to come down.

"Does anyone know what's got into the headmaster lately?" asked Harry

"What do you mean?" asked Hermione

"Do you not think he's been acting a bit weird?" asked Harry

"He's always been a bit weird" said Ron

"Yeah but I mean really weird" Harry persisted

"Maybe" said Ron, "Probably a midlife crisis, nothing to worry about"

"I hadn't noticed anything" said Hermione.

"Watch him closely" said Harry, "It's subtle but if you look carefully you can see tiny differences in the way he behaves".

At that moment they heard a crash over by the double doors. Dumbledore had just burst through wearing dark glasses, a Hawaiian shirt and his hair and beard fashioned into dreadlocks.

"Yo woss gwarnin' ma bad boys and bangin' bitches. This joint is off the hook fo shizzle. Let's groove to the sound of the girls getting down, Yeah." The hall stared at him in silence (as did the people in it). Professor Mcgonagall put her face in her hands in despair.

"Don't trash the groove Mrs. M." said Dumbledore. He then leaned in to a couple of terrified looking first years and whispered "I could so totally hit that. She's blates gagging for a hard 'n fast dumbledoing."

"How's things going down in the hood Pappa D.?" Shouted Fred.

"Yo it's the ginger twingers. I just bin chillin' wiff ma crew of homies. I'm a bad man."

"Yeah you are." They said before turning back to the table. Dumbledore made his way down the tables, stopping to talk to various people. When he got to Hermione he leant over to Ron.

"Here's the four one one my badass brother from another mother. Been there done that brought back a T-shirt." Ron looked over at Hermione in shock and disgust.

"Hermione, I don't believe you. How come I didn't get a T-shirt"

"You fell asleep before I could give it to you". Ron turned back to the table and started sulking. Eventually Dumbledore made it up to the staff table, where he stood to make his speech.

"Check it home dogs" he began "I don't want to get all up in your space, bringin the bad vibes and all that, and I know you is all wanting to get down and eat some tasty munch. But I has got some stuff I has to tell you about. I know this is shit, but the V man is back, and he is badder than ever."

Some of the first years looked confused.

"Who's the V man" whispered one of them.

"Voldemort" said a voice further down the table. "The darkest wizard ever to walk this earth. He supplanted the ministry once before, and now he has returned to destroy the world we have tried so hard to rebuild"

"Who the fuck are you?" asked Ron politely.

"I'm that creepy black kid from the third film, who's never actually mentioned in any of the books"

"Oh yeah I remember you" said Harry "I never really understood why you were in the film"

"Me neither" said Gerald (A.N. This conversation will go a lot smoother if he has a name) "I think they just put me in because they didn't have any black actors and they didn't want to seem racist"

"What about George Harris" asked Hermione

"He didn't come in till the fifth film"

"Seems like a pretty lame reason to add an extra character if you ask me" said Ron "Besides there aren't any black people in lord of the rings. They're not worried about seeming racist."

"What about Sharku?" said Gerald

"He was an orc" said Ron

"He was still black"

"Right" said Ron "So the only black people they had in the film were hideous monsters. That's not racist at all"

"Can I just point out" put in Hermione "That Dumbledore's stopped speaking and the entire hall is listening to our conversation."

"Oh right sorry" said Ron "Carry on Pappa D."

"As I was saying" continued Dumbledore " The V man is blates going to try and, ah fuck it lets just eat"

Food appeared and they began their feast.

"Wasn't this food already here at the beginning of the chapter?" asked Ron "This writer really needs to work on his consistency. He's so" Ron was cut short has he started choking on a bit of carrot.

"I didn't even eat any ca…Ow"

"Headache?" asked Harry

Ron grumbled and carried on with his dinner.


	8. Chapter 8

Once they had finished their roast dinner Ron got up and headed towards the toilet.

"Where are you going?" asked Harry

"Just going to stick two fingers down my throat, nothing drastic." Said Ron

"Ron" gasped Hermione "I didn't know you were bulimic"

"I'm not, I'm just making room for desert"

"Well, as long as you don't throw up after everything's finished" Said Hermione

"That's what she said" said Ron and wandered off to the bathroom.

"I hate it when he does that" said Hermione.

"That's what she said" said Ron

"I thought you'd gone to the bathroom" said Hermione irritably

"Artistic licence" said Ron

"Oh fuck off" said Hermione.

Desert appeared and Harry dived straight for the chocolate fudge cake and double cream.

"Hang on" said Hermione "I thought you liked the treacle sponge"

"Tart"

"I beg your pardon"

"It's treacle tart not treacle sponge; and I actually can't stand the stuff. I only eat it because Rowling makes me"

They quietly continued consuming confectionery items with careful consideration.

"Hey guys, what's with all the alliteration?" said Ron as he returned and sat down.

"What alliteration?" asked Harry

"What you're doing now" said Ron

"What, eating pudding?" said Harry

"No, quietly continuing to consume confectionery items with careful consideration" said Ron

"I think it's supposed to be a literary device" said Hermione "It's basically just the author showing off"

"He's so prettentious" said Harry "He even used a semicolon earlier"

"What a nob" said Ron "He knows when to use a semicolon but he can't even spell pretentious"

"Twat" agreed Harry

"He does need to work on his spelling" said Hermione "Malfoy's outside right now eating trees because I said "locomotor mortis" and ended up putting a log licker curse on him"

"I think he's just finished" said Ron

Malfoy had just walked through the double doors.

"Grawghflugh" said Malfoy. He looked around, spat a mouthful of bark out of his mouth and tried again.

"Granger". Hermione turned just as Malfoy pointed his wand at her and screamed "Diffindo".

Hermione's top burst open revealing her breasts to the entire room, which burst into applause. Hermione covered herself up as best she could with a top that was completely shredded and pointed her want at Malfoy.

"Have a taste of your own medicine Malfoy. Diffindo". Nothing happened

"Er, Diffindo" still nothing.

"Simon says Diffindo" but again nothing happened.

"I don't understand, said Hermione "I never fail to cast spells"

"Er" said Ron cautiously "I don't think the author wants to imagine Malfoy's top being ripped off"

"Fine" said Hermione "I'll just vanish him instead"

"Can you do that?" asked Ron

"Do what?" said Hermione

"Vanish people. I mean they never even tried it in the original Harry Potter books; I assumed there was some reason why they couldn't."

"No, it's just that Rowling wouldn't let it happen because it would have left too many loose ends that need tying up"

"So how do you know this author's going to let it work" asked Harry

"I don't, but he doesn't seem like the 'planning ahead' type" said Hermione

"I wouldn't" said Harry "You know what this guys like"

"Oh stop fretting" said Hermione "Evanesco"

"Protego" screamed Malfoy. Hermione's vanishing spell rebounded on her causing the rest of her clothes to disappear, leaving her completely naked in front of the whole school.

"Oh come on" said Hermione indignantly.

"Told you" said Harry.

"Yeah but how come my shoes and my skirt and underwear have disappeared along with the remains of my top but my body is completely unaffected"

"You weren't wearing any underwear" said Ron

"Huh"

"The author said so when he described what you were wearing in chapter six"

"Yeah but still"

"Don't look at me" said Ron "I'm not writing the story"

Hermione stormed off to her bedroom with as much dignity as she could muster.

"You know this author's growing on me" said Harry.

"Same" said Ron.


	9. Chapter 9

Harry and Ron decided it was bed time. They picked up their bags and headed towards their dormitories.

"Did we have these bags when we came down" asked Ron

"The author didn't say" replied Harry "I don't think so".

"I wonder what's in them"

"We'll have a look when we get upstairs" said Harry

They began walking towards their dormitory but stopped when they heard footsteps running up behind them. They turned to see Colin Creevey running towards them.

"Hi Harry" said Colin excitedly.

Harry picked up a chair and smashed it over Colin's head, knocking him unconscious, and he and Ron walked away leaving him to bleed into a plate of sausages.

"Always wanted to do that" smiled Harry. "Rowling never let me"

They continued up to their dormitories and sat in two large armchairs by the fire.

"Why do we always sit by the fire?" asked Ron "it's fucking boiling in here"

"I'll sort that out" said Harry.

He stood up unbuttoned his trousers and pissed into the fire until it was out.

"That's better" He sighed sitting back down  
"you know we could have just used an extinguishing spell" said Ron. "It's like augamenti or aguamenti or something"

"yeah but I needed to go anyway and the toilet's fucking miles away. And that's another thing. In six years of living at Hogwarts it didn't happen once, but what if I wake up in the middle of the night and I need a piss?" asked Harry

"It happened to me once" said Ron

"I never knew about that" said Harry

"Yeah well I'm not the main character am I." Said Ron "Imagine how long the books would have been if she'd gone through what every single character was doing instead of just talking about you. They don't do that in any book."

"Except lord of the rings"

"Well yeah and look how long that is. I mean it was a good book but It's not exactly a page turner; I only finished it out of willpower"

"I see what you mean" said Harry. "So what did you do?"

"huh"

"When you woke up in the middle of the night and needed a piss" said Harry.

"Oh I just did it out the window" replied Ron

"Cool" said Harry

"Well I'm not going to piss myself" said Ron "And here's another thing; what year are we supposed to be in in this fanfiction? Cause you said we'd lived at Hogwarts for six years which means we'd be in year seven, but Dumbledore said Voldemort had just returned, which happened at the end of the fourth book, but the title is "Harry Potter and the stoned philosopher" which infers that it's...

"Implies"

"Whatever, implies that it's a parody of the first book"

"Huh that's a good point" said Harry "Well on top of all that, I hit third base with Ginny last week and at the beginning of the seventh book we'd only just made it to first."

"Dude" said Ron

"What?" said Harry

"That's my fucking sister"

"Yeah but I'm just saying"

"I don't want to know"

"She just gave me a blow job"

"Dude"

"And I fingered her a bit too"

"Dude shut up"

"What? We didn't do it or anything"

"I don't care"

"I mean we were going to but she started wanking me off to get me going and the condom fell off..."

"FUCK OFF"

"And we didn't have another one because she says she needs latex free or she gets a rash on her vagina"

"la la la not listening"

"Sometimes it spreads halfway down her thighs, so we're going to pick up some latex free ones next time we go into Hogsmeade"

"For the last time Harry I really don't want to picture my sister with...They sell condoms in Hogsmeade?"

"Of course. I mean I know it was never mentioned but to think that 'pure blood' wizards are dying out and not believe that wizards use some form of contraception is just plain naivety"

"Yeah but don't we have some kind of magical contraception?"

"Like what?"

"Good point"

"And besides, condoms work just fine; why fix it if it ain't broke"

"I guess" said Ron "Well I think I'm going to go to bed. Judging by the length of the previous chapters, I doubt the plot's going to develop much before this one finishes."

"What do you mean before this one finishes? We've been through nine chapters and the plot hasn't developed at all" said Harry.

"Yeah but we did get to see Hermione naked in the last one" said Ron

"Good point" said Harry "Night".

"Hang on, we never looked in our bags" said Ron

"We'll do it in the next chapter" said Harry "I'm tired"

"Ok" said Ron "Night then"

"Night."


End file.
